8 Ways To Happiness - Part 4

Beliefs

Understanding & Changing Your Beliefs

This is perhaps one of the most important pages on the Self Creation site. If you act on the information on this page, I guarantee your life will never be the same. A bold statement, but true.

Beliefs are any ideas you think are true about yourself, others, and life. Clarity about what you believe, who you are, what you want, and why you want it can be like a beacon on a clear night, guiding you to the fulfillment of your desires. Unfortunately, most of us aren't aware of our beliefs, many of which we acquired as children. You can live your whole life unaware of how you're beliefs are effecting your feelings, thoughts and actions.

Some beliefs are counter-productive to what you say you want. Wouldn't it be nice to identify those beliefs? Examine them for validity? There are so many self-defeating beliefs but here are just a few I've identified in myself and others. Do you believe any of the following?

Self Defeating Beliefs

* If I'm happy now, I won't be motivated to change anything.
* I can't change. This is just the way I am.
* My feelings are natural reactions, not something I can control.
* If I control my feelings, I'll be a robot.
* I have to have [love, sex, or money] in order to be happy.
* If I don't feel guilty, I’ll continue to do "bad" things.
* You have to do some things you don't want to do in this life.
* No pain, no gain.
* If I was happy all the time, I’d be a blithering idiot.
* People who are optimistic aren't realistic.
* You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
* If happiness was my priority, I'd be inconsiderate of others.
* It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.

8 Ways To Happiness - Part 3

Acceptance

Accept Yourself As You Are Right Now

Self acceptance is being loving and happy with who you are NOW. Some call it self-esteem, others self-love, but whatever you call it, you'll know when your accepting yourself cause it feels real good! Its an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this very moment, even those parts you’d like to eventually change. This is key...even those parts you'd eventually like to change. Yes, you can accept (be okay with) those parts of yourself you want to change.

Motivation Behind Lack of Acceptance

If acceptance feels so good, then why don’t we accept ourselves? Motivation. Motivation to get us to do, not do, be, and not be. Many people believe that if they accepted themselves as they are, they wouldn’t change or that they wouldn’t work on becoming more of who they want to be.

We hate ourselves for being fat to get ourselves to diet. We berate ourselves for mistakes to make ourselves more attentive. We feel guilty to make ourselves do what we think we should. We judge ourselves unfavorably with the hope it will motivate us to change. We hope if we feel bad enough about ourselves, that maybe that will motivate us to change.

Does this work? Hardly. All it does is...well, cause us to feel bad and feeling bad just saps your energy you might have used to make changes. It works exactly counter to what you wanted to do.

So if it doesn’t work, why do we keep doing it? Because we HOPE it will work. And if you don’t know any other way to change, what options do you have? We’ve been trained to believe that in order to change, we need to first feel bad about it. That if we’re accepting and loving of that particular quality, that we won’t do anything to change the situation. Which is not true! You don’t have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change those things you’d like to change about yourself. Acceptance is actually the very first step in the process of change.

What if you were to drop your value judgments and simply saw “what is” then identified what you wanted and why. It could totally transform your experience. What are the ramifications of doing so? Perhaps you would find a well of love for yourself and others that you never knew existed. Perhaps you'd notice the less you judge yourself, the less you judge others. And maybe, just maybe, the experience of acceptance would give you the solid foundation to move forward in creating yourself and your life the you've always dreamed.

8 Ways To Happiness - Part 2

Deliberate Intent

Make Happiness A Deliberate Intention

How often do you base whether you’ll be happy or not, on the circumstances and conditions in your life? “When this happens, I’ll be happy. When I get this house, car, relationship, job, this problem is solved, have self esteem, get out of this marriage (the list is endless) ... then I’ll be happy.”

What if your happiness was...
More important than changing?
More important than getting what you want?
More important than making more money?
More important than being healthy?
More important than having friends?
More important than being respected?
More important than having the right career?
More important than being in a great relationship?

What if you could be happy while pursuing the things you want? Whose to say you can't? Is there any reason you can't experience joy while creating the life you want?

What we focus on becomes larger in our lives. If you focus on feeling happy, you will feel happier. Consider this. If you don’t have to use unhappiness to motivate yourself to accomplish something, you could pursue your desires while being happy. You could feel good, right here, right now. It’s all about setting the intention to feel good at the top of your list. To understand this more fully, I recommend you read Emotional Options by Mandy Evans.

One of the surprising and amazing results of deliberately making happiness important in your life, is how much more effective you will be at creating what you want!

8 Ways To Happiness - Part 1

Responsibility

Take Ownership Of Your Emotions

If you're going to work towards happiness, you will need to know who controls your happiness. It’s a fairly common belief that a person can make another person feel bad. “She made me angry.” “He upset her.” “He really pissed the boss off this time.”

I am going to challenge this idea and propose that...

You can not, in any way, ever, MAKE someone feel anything.

When I have talked to people about this idea, they inevitably bring up the time when someone had upset them or made them angry. They say to me, “they caused my anger for if they had not been there, and said what they did, I would not have been angry.”

I can understand cause and effect in the physical world. I push the pencil and it rolls. I drop a glass and it shatters. But cause and effect don’t translate very well into the emotional world.

When someone says something to you, are the words going directly into your brain and switching on your "I'm upset" lever? When someone gives you the evil eye, are they shooting laser beams into your brain pushing your afraid button? When someone makes an unfavorable comment about your hair and you become offended, are they sending invisible "offend waves" causing your response? No, of course not. How can words, sent out as sound waves and picked up by your ears then translate into an emotional response? Is there nothing between those sound waves and your response?

I think people have difficulty understand this concept of responsibility for their emotions because they make no distinction between influence and control.

Influence & Control

There is a difference between the terms influence and control. Influence has the potential to impact. It's indirect. Control has a direct effect on a result.

Self Acceptance - Part 2

Process Of Acceptance

Acceptance exists at the core of your being. It is your default status. In order to reach this base level of acceptance, you need only remove the items laying on top. To do this, you must first identify all the things you do not accept about yourself. Then, one by one, eliminate them by examining and questioning your beliefs around that issue.

* Know yourself and your beliefs
* Take a good hard look at your honesty level
* Know you are doing the best you can
* Relax your value judgments
* Examine guilt
* Understand your motivations
* Ask yourself questions about what you don't accept

Self Acceptance - Part 1

Self acceptance is being loving and happy with who you are NOW. Some call it self-esteem, others self-love, but whatever you call it, you'll know when your accepting yourself cause it feels great. Its an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this very moment, even those parts you’d like to eventually change. This is important...even those parts you'd eventually like to change. Yes, you can accept (be okay with) those parts of yourself you want to change some day.

The Motivation Behind Your Lack of Acceptance
If acceptance feels so good and is so good for us, then why don’t we accept ourselves? The answer is motivation. We use our lack of acceptance (punishment - cause it feels bad) as motivation to get us to do, not do, be, and not be what we think we should. Many people believe that if they accepted themselves as they are, they wouldn’t change or that they wouldn’t work on becoming more of who they want to be.

Typically, we judge ourselves unfavorably with the hope it will motivate us to change. We hope if we feel bad enough about ourselves, that maybe that will motivate us to change. Does this work? Sometimes, but only short term. Most times all it does is cause us to feel bad which saps the energy you might have used to make changes. It can be a vicious cycle. It works exactly counter to what you wanted to do.

So if it doesn’t work, why do we keep doing it? Because we hope it will work. And if you don’t know any other way to change, what options do you have? We’ve been trained to believe that in order to change, we need to first feel bad about it. That if we’re accepting and loving of that particular quality, that we won’t do anything to change the situation, which is not true! You don’t have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change those things you’d like to change about yourself. Acceptance is actually the very first step in the process of change. For more about this, see “an interview about acceptance”

Think of acceptance of yourself like being okay with where you live now. You may want a bigger house one day. You may dream about that new home. But there ARE advantages to living in a smaller home if you only took the time to think about it. It is possible to be happy with the home you're in now, while still dreaming and working to make your new home a reality.

Self Awareness

It All Begins With Awareness

Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness, you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you’d like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without fully knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.

Having clarity about who you are and what you want (and why you want it), empowers you to consciously and actively make those wants a reality. Otherwise, you’ll continue to get “caught up” in your own internal dramas and unknown beliefs, allowing unknown thought processes to determine your feelings and actions.

If you think about it, not understanding why you do what you do, and feel what you feel is like going through your life with a stranger's mind. How do you make wise decisions and choices if you don't understand why you want what you want? It's a difficult and chaotic way to live never knowing what this stranger is going to do next.
Who's the expert?
When we want good, solid information, we turn to the experts. So, who are you going to turn to for information about yourself? Who's the expert?

You.

Does a friend, a therapist, a minister, your hero, your spouse, your parents know more about you than you? They can't. You live in your skin and mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Day in and day out. No one’s closer to you than you! The answers are in there, perhaps all you’ve needed to solve your riddles is a useful question.

Problems in Love Relationships - Part 5

If you loved me you would.....

Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of negative things about the relationship that may not be true.

Useful Questions:

* Do your expectations have to be fulfilled for you to be happy? If so, why?

* Do you expect your partner to conform to your wants? What does it mean when they don't?

* Do you have preset rules in your love relationships? If so, what are they and why?

* Do you find yourself often saying “he should” or “she should”?

* Do you have any “If you loved me you would...[fill in the blank]'s”? If so, what are they?

* Can you think of a time you didn't do what someone wanted you to do? Did you love them, even though you didn't do what they wanted? Could it be the same with your partner?

* Do you use another’s words and actions as “evidence or proof” that they love you?. If your partner does that thing or activity you want, then do they love you? If they don't, is that a sign they don't love you or care? If yes, why?

* Understand everyone has different wants, desires, and beliefs about what it means to be loving.

* Be Honest

* Examine what expectations you DO have, then openly discuss them with your partner. Find out what theirs are.

Problems in Love Relationships - Part 4

It would be easier to start over with someone else

Some time has passed in the relationship and you've both built up lies. Some big ones but mostly small ones. They're not blatant lies, but mostly unspoken thoughts and feelings. The intentions behind the lies were to protect yourself and your partner from pain. But now, your problems seem overwhelming and you can't talk openly and honestly about them because you've already established a certain pattern of communication. It seems it would be considerably easier to just start fresh with a new partner. One where you could be yourself without fear.

Useful Questions:

* Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?
Why do you believe that? (Read more about how honesty effects relationships)

* Get clear on what you've lied about to your partner. What would happen if you shared what you learned? What is the worst that would happen? Are you capable of handling that? Why or why not?.

* Figure out what you're afraid would happen if you were honest with them about those issues.

* Talk to your partner about your concerns of being TOTALLY honest. Keep the focus on YOUR feelings and not their behavior.

* Muster up the courage to tell them what you've lied about. Repeat to yourself, "No matter what happens, I will be okay."

Problems in Love Relationships - Part 3

We can't talk about that

Every time you approach certain subjects, it turns into an argument. In the back of your mind, you decide to avoid that topic in the future because you don't want to fight. You don't want the conflict. You believe fighting means the relationship is on rocky ground or is threatening to the relationship. You want to stay together, but believe if you fight, you might separate. So you become afraid to talk about one or two subjects. Over time, that list of "don't touch that one" becomes more and more numerous. And as the list of avoided topics grows, it starts to feel like you can't talk with each other anymore. You feel distant and detached. You start wondering how much longer you can live like this. The silence grows.

Useful Questions:

* Examine your beliefs about love and arguing. Are you afraid of being hurt in relationships? Does disagreeing with someone always mean hurt feelings? If so, why? How could you do it differently?

* Do you limit yourself in some way when with your lover? Why? What might happen if you let them see and hear all of you?

* Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?
Why do you believe that? (Read more about how honesty effects relationships)

* Talk to your partner about your concerns while keeping the focus on your feelings and not their behavior. (Helpful hint: Be watchful of terms like “you always, you never, you make me feel.” Try this instead: “When you [the behavior], I find myself felling [your feelings]...”)

* Learn to be more accepting of your partner by becoming more accepting of yourself.