Intimacy Between Lovers - Part 1

Intimacy overload isn't discussed as much as lack of intimacy or fear of intimacy. Talking about your feelings, thoughts, and past experiences is part of a healthy relationship, according to many psychologists, counselors, and doctors. However an article in Psychology Today (“Back Off!”) reveals that there’s a limit to how much intimacy you can tolerate. Intimacy overload is possible.

How much intimacy is intimacy overload? Levels of tolerance vary from person to person, and couple to couple. Simply put, when you discuss your relationship too much, you may have intimacy overload.

Intimacy overload: too much intimacy is as unhealthy as lack of intimacy

If you’re dependent on your partner for constant affirmation, unconditional love, and total protection – then you may be expecting too much intimacy. This is intimacy overload. If you expect your partner to increase your self esteem, fulfill all your social needs, and share every emotion with you, it's too much intimacy or intimacy overload. Excessive expectations in intimate relationships involve unreasonable demands for time, affection, or energy...intimacy overload.

Intimacy overload involves blurred boundaries. Sometimes, there is no line between two people. Intimacy overload involves too many emotional demands, too much togetherness, and too much criticism. Feelings of suffocation and control become are impossible to ignore, and neither partner is happy. Too much intimacy can break a relationship.

What to do with intimacy overload?

When intimacy overload happens, it’s not “intimacy” anymore. It certainly isn't lack of intimacy! It may indicate a different problem such as insecurity, anxiety, or low self-esteem.

Responses to intimacy overload or too much intimacy may include retreat and withdrawal. Partners tune out, perhaps hiding in their work, hobbies, or friends. Intimacy overload can be as unhealthy to a relationship as fear of intimacy or lack of intimacy.

Overcoming Fear of Intimacy - Part 2

Overcoming fear of intimacy involves:

• Recognizing your habit of hiding behind a wall, whether it’s withdrawing silently or being overly effusive and talkative. You really want to overcome your fear of intimacy.
• Realizing that hiding doesn’t necessarily mean verbal silence. You can hide your real self and still be the centre of attention or leader of the pack.
• Noticing when you’re hiding, and consciously decide if you should continue (sometimes you don’t necessarily want to spill your guts – you need to discern when to open up). When you're trying to overcoming fear of intimacy, you need to choose when to open up.
• Telling your partner that you want to hide, and you feel uncomfortable talking about your thoughts. Overcoming fear of intimacy means sharing your discomfort and fear, especially with someone you love. Communication often makes negative feelings dissipate.
• Practicing sharing one thought at a time. Take baby steps with people you trust; soon, sharing your self will become a habit and you’ll be comfortable doing it often. You'll overcome your fear of intimacy one step at a time.
• Seeking help from a counselor if these steps don’t work for you. There are underlying issues that are making you fearful, and dealing with those directly may be the only way to overcome your fear of intimacy.

Overcoming fear of intimacy: there's no changing your partner

Other than encouraging openness and honesty, you can’t do anything to improve your partner’s fear of intimacy – just like you can’t expect to change their personality or habits. You can share how your partner’s lack of intimacy makes you feel (eg, “I feel scared when I don’t know how you feel when we fight.”), and express your wish for a closer relationship. The more you discuss fear of intimacy, the more your partner may open up. Overcoming fear of intimacy requires honesty on both sides.

You can’t force someone open up to you, but you can choose who to become involved with and how much of your self you give to them. Overcoming fear of intimacy can be done in established relationships, especially if outside help is sought.

Overcoming Fear of Intimacy - Part 1

Overcoming fear of intimacy means you need to learn to be yourself in your relationship. Simple in theory, difficult in practice. Intimacy in relationships involves sharing what you really think, believe, and feel. It's about opening up your heart and mind, and letting others do the same. It's risky, which is why fear of intimacy often develops.

Overcoming fear of intimacy can improve your relationships and deepen your life.

Intimacy is similar to authenticity, in that both involve revealing your true self. Fear of intimacy is common, and can be related to fear of commitment – but they’re not the same thing. You can be married or committed to your partner, but not emotionally intimate. You can be in love, but not connected. Overcoming fear of intimacy allows real emotional and physical connections.

Signs of possible fear of intimacy:

• Deliberate withholding of personal information is probably fear of intimacy.
• Withdrawing when others talk about their thoughts and feelings. Protecting yourself often reveals fear of intimacy.
• Critical of yourself or others is fear of intimacy.
• Feelings of anger or discomfort when others voice their thoughts and opinions show a fear of intimacy.
• Lack of affection with loved ones can indicate fear of intimacy.

Don’t forget that some people are simply less demonstrative about their feelings; this doesn't necessarily indicate a fear of intimacy. You can work on your self to become more intimate, if you’d like, but you can’t change your loved ones.

How to minimize common relationship problems?

To minimize these common relationship problems:

• Be aware of your fears! It's okay to feel fear of intimacy; simply knowing that you're afraid of losing yourself and being engulfed by your relationship or family could prevent it from happening. When you know what you fear, you're in a better position to deal with it. Accepting that you have a common relationship problem will help you solve it.
• Express yourself appropriately. If you're afraid of being abandoned, try not to suffocate your loved ones with excessive attention or jealousy. Talk about your feelings, write them down – see a counselor if you're really struggling. Don't let your relationship problems – which are normal – dictate your behavior or wreck your relationship.
• Get educated. Do you have an extreme fear of intimacy or fear of abandonment? Find out how to successfully deal with change and how to be supportive when your loved ones want to change. Read books, seek support groups, or talk to a counselor about your relationship problems.

These common relationship problems take some work to overcome, but being aware and open to change will go a long way.

3 Common Relationship Problems - Part 3

Fear of Abandonment

Most of us don't want to be alone, and are dismayed at the thought of being rejected or abandoned. Even the healthiest people have some fear of abandonment. We know we could survive but life is better and easier with others (this is a primal instinct). We fear being left due to death, rejection, illness, physical or even emotional distance. This is a common relationship problem.

Becoming independent and emotionally healthy with your own life and goals is an ideal way to deal with this common relationship problem.

3 Common Relationship Problems - Part 2

Fear of Change

Sometimes our relationship fears make us afraid our partner will change; other times we fear he or she won't at all. Even good changes can be hard to deal with. When familiar habits and routines are changed, we feel a sense of unease because we have adjustments to make, new routines to create.

Talking honestly about changes is the best way to deal with this common relationship problem. Discussing relationship fears, hopes, motivations, and practical issues will make changes blend in with the daily routine in a much smoother way. Even fighting about your feelings is better than repressing or stuffing them down.

3 Common Relationship Problems - Part 1

Common relationship problems range from fear of intimacy to fear of rejection. Everyone struggles with fears of intimacy, change, and abandonment – but some people struggle more than others. Here's how to recognize and deal with three common relationship problems.

Fear of Intimacy

Even in childhood we fear being swallowed up by another person and losing our unique selves. We want to be independent with our own personalities, likes, dislikes, strengths, and even weaknesses. This is the first common relationship problem: fear of intimacy - which can involve engulfment.

Engulfment occurs when we lose who we are in our relationship: not only are our preferences lost – we may not even know what are preferences are anymore! People who have a fear of intimacy may be overly anxious about losing their selves, which makes them extremely guarded and hard to know. People with a fear of intimacy may fear being trapped or suffocated, which exacerbates their relationship fears.

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 5

Say "I'm sorry" if you act in a disrespectful or hurtful way toward your partner.

This one is short and sweet. You're not perfect

-- once in a while you may unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt your partner's feelings. You may say mean-spirited things in the heat of the moment that you immediately regret -- so swallow your pride, apologize and ask for forgiveness. By the same token, you should also expect an "I'm sorry" from your partner if your feelings were hurt by disrespectful behavior.

I know there's a chance that you had parents who abused each other and became overwhelmed by relationship problems, and I'll bet that they rarely said they were sorry for their actions. So be different -- become truly free in your relationship by admitting that you were wrong. Really value your partner, and don't let your relationship have an unhappy ending.

You're now armed with some very important negotiating and compromising skills to use in any disagreement; and by utilizing these techniques, you'll have much greater success in solving difficult relationship problems.

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 4

Set the right stage for discussion and negotiation of the problem.

There's a correct time and place to work on your problems. Let's deal with place first.

I can't tell you the exact room of your house that will work best for you, but a good rule of thumb is that it should be a location that's both quiet and comfortable

-- maybe it's your kitchen table or your den? It just shouldn't be in public or at a friend's home. Major discussions deserve to be held in a consistent, appropriate location. Forgetting to set the scene is a crucial blunder made by a lot of couples, so put some thought into this.

The right time for the negotiation is just as important as place. I believe that there are three important considerations in this area:

First, you must (and I can't stress the word must enough) point out a problem the very first time it arises. You'll have more leverage if you don't allow something to snowball into a pattern of behavior. Many people finally put their foot down when their partner has made a major mistake for about the 32nd time, but by then it's simply too late. The reality is this: The longer you allow your partner to get away with unacceptable behavior, the harder it will be to have any power to get them to stop. If you hold your tongue and just hope that your partner will change on their own, don't complain that you never get what you need.

Second, make sure that you have enough time available to thoroughly discuss the problem. Some of my patients will bring up an extremely important issue right before our time is up for the session and then get angry when I say that we have to stop. The same principle applies to your relationship: If you and your partner begin to argue just as you're leaving for work or getting ready to go out, then the discussion will be nonproductive. Alternately, if you put off the issue too long, you run the risk that the problem will never be solved. So set aside an appropriate length of time for a face-to-face meeting (notice that a phone conversation is generally not intimate enough).

Third, when you and your partner have been sitting there for hours still hammering away without a compromise, it may be time to call it quits for the time being and readdress the problem again later. When you both get tired and start to go 'round and 'round, it's acceptable to say, "How about if we agree to disagree for now and pick up our discussion later when we're both fresh?"

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 3

You'll have more success by focusing on one issue at a time.

It's nearly impossible to analyze more than one major issue at a time, which is why problem solving often fails miserably. Recently my wife and I started to discuss some money-management issues, and before we knew it, we ended the conversation by debating the amount of time we spend together. We caught our mistake and got back to the topic of money, but it did take some effort.

Make a commitment to actively focus on one thing at a time. I know it sounds difficult, but the payoff will be well worth the extra effort. Be aware, though, that your partner may try to derail the discussion by veering onto another topic if things start to get heated

-- it's a sneaky little tactic to shift the conversation when things aren't going so well. So every time you catch your partner avoiding the topic at hand, say, "Let's continue to deal with ___ now and get to ___ [the other issue] later."

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 2

The language you use toward your partner is critically important in determining the outcome of any problem.

Even though you may be right, you may not get your way if your method of communicating isn't effective. It will do you no good to put your partner on the defensive right away with accusatory language. When someone's being attacked, it's a natural defense mechanism for them to either fight back or retreat into a shell

-- in either case, the problem won't be rationally solved.

• Using the words always and never. Saying something like, "You never help out around here!" will stop any reasonable discussion dead in its tracks. It sounds like you're exaggerating, and your partner will invariably be challenged to fight back in their defense. They'll probably respond with something like, "That's not true! Remember that time two weeks ago that I helped clean up the house and took the kids to school?" It turns into a "he said, she said" debate, and the real issue gets lost in the translation.
  
  So catch yourself when you use words that imply absolutes. Using the above examples, it would be better to start off by saying, "I'd like to talk to you about your share of the workload," and "I'd really like it if you put me first -- sometimes I feel second to your friends, relatives and co-workers."
  
  
• Insults and name-calling. Some of us grew up believing that the more belligerent and loud we were, the more we'd command attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, this technique may intimidate and belittle your partner into compliance, but you'll also make them angry and resentful of your ways. They might not have the guts to tell you to your face, but they'll secretly feel that you're a jerk.
  
  Every time you or your partner call each other "stupid" or an "idiot" or an even nastier slur, a little bit of your relationship gets destroyed in the process. On top of that, your original problem will get lost in a barrage of obscenities, and nothing gets solved. So if you're being insulted, the right move is to say, as calmly as you can, "I can't continue to talk to you right now if you're going to use that language," and then offer to pick up the conversation later when your partner has calmed down. If they continue to aggressively come at you, then you need to question whether you'll be able to stay in a relationship with someone who's that emotionally and verbally abusive.
  
  
• Saying "or else!" A lot of people I know love to tack this little threat at the end of a command -- for example, "You better do things my way, or else!" Apparently they feel as if their need will get met more quickly if there's a hint of some consequence. But the real question should be: "Or else what?" What will you really do if your partner ignores your request? How will you retaliate? The problem with this choice of words is that very few people respond favorably to a threat and will actually do the opposite just to show that they won't be coerced into a specific action. Your bluff may be called, and then what will you be prepared to do? If you back down, then your threat is meaningless.
  
  Instead, think through your response very carefully and tell your partner, "Here's what I'm going to do if you don't respond to me." It's certainly okay to provide a consequence if your partner fails to correct a problem in the relationship, but that consequence needs to be well defined.
  
  So how can you ensure that you'll actually get heard? There are better ways to communicate your desires, as shown by the following few examples that can apply to any :
  
  
• "I'd like it if we could take some time today to talk about something that's really important to me."
  
  
• "I feel that this is a problem we can work on together."
  
  
• "This is really difficult for me to bring up, but I just want to tell you how I feel about..."
  
  
• "I just need you to listen and try to reserve judgment until I'm finished."
  
  
• "I'm just asking you to hear what I'm saying -- we don't have to fix the problem right this second."

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 1

Here are several things that must happen for a relationship issue to be resolved:

You and your partner should never keep a running tally of "wins" and "losses" in your negotiations.

Sadly this is one of the biggest mistakes that I see couples make. Believe me, most people won't admit this out loud, but they're keeping score internally, just waiting for the day they finally get to "win." When you hear your partner (or yourself) complain, "You always get your way. It's my turn now!" it's time to realize that score is being kept.

Why shouldn't you keep track of victories and losses so that over time things are evened up? It would only make sense to win an argument sometimes, and I'll grant you that your relationship should be an equal partnership. The problem with keeping score is that the win-loss record usually becomes the most important factor in resolving a dispute, rather than the need to figure out each issue on its own merit. A friend of mine once proudly told me that he'd gotten his way four times that week, compared to his wife getting her way only twice. He didn't care if he was right or wrong, just as long as he got in the last word and won the argument. Giving in for him meant that he was somehow "weak" and losing control. Although I thought he was completely insane (and I told him so), I tried to make him understand that this behavior would only serve to drive a wedge in his marriage and make his wife disgusted with his competitiveness.

Compromise is not a sign of personal weakness. It's really okay to let your partner come out on top sometimes. This can be an extremely hard thing to do, but challenge yourself to wipe the slate clean before you tackle a issue. If you're being hardheaded and are only interested in evening up the score, then you won't be able to see the problem clearly, and a very bad decision could be made that irreversibly harms your relationship.

Damn Toothache: My Experience

Long time ago, I used to think that crying was only for babies. At least it helped (and still does and will always do!) babies to get much needed attention. I used to think that crying was a very stupid way of attracting attention (please don’t ask me what I used to do when I was a baby).

But I have since learnt that crying is a very healthy way of releasing pent up emotion – at least it does deflate the almost-bursting bubble. I have learnt, too, that crying is also very healthy for adults. It has worked wonders for the women and men (yeah, men!) who have used it time and again to release and unfurl those knots in their hearts.

Well, recently I ‘found’ myself crying and it was not to release any pent-up emotion. Far from it.

A pain that emanated from deep within my mouth forced tears to freely course down the side of my face. It was such an excruciating pain and for once I thought I had been to hell and back. I tried to scream but checked myself just in time as a bolt of “murderous” pain shot from the base of my jaw up a molar and touched the side of my sour tongue with such a force that I reeled back.

I shook my head, hoping against hope that I would manage to shake off the assailant that was in my mouth. That made things even worse. Bolts of fork lightning threatened to fry my palate! As if that was not enough, claps of thunder in the form of groans announced in no uncertain terms that I was on the verge of insanity. Something inside my head told me that I was going through what lunatics have to contend with each passing day.

The ‘sweetest’ part of the whole set up is that all this was happening at night. And I was alone in my room. Just when I needed everyone in the world, there was no one in sight. Being at night, I could not decide to take a “forced” walk to make peace with “my stubborn assailant”. So I was left with little else to do than to walk from one corner of my room to the other.

As I paced the room, in an attempt to ‘persuade’ the pain in my mouth (a damn toothache) to stop harassing me, I felt like a famished toothless lion that had felled a mighty deer with one swipe of the paw. The lion could not feast on the prey – it was toothless! The pacing, accompanied by an occasional impromptu opening of the mouth to suck in air, was like literally chasing the wind.

Another very ‘sweet’ thing about that night was that I did not have any pain killer in my room. My world was crumbling before my very eyes. I increased the speed of my paces as the pain jumped from the lower jaw to the upper one and back. There is a time I jumped as I felt my teeth being pulled from their positions in the jaws.

In the madness that characterized that night, I can’t explain how I fell asleep, on the couch. I found myself waking up in the morning and tried to figure where I was as a shaft of sunlight hit my sleepy eyes. Seconds later, memories of the previous night’s ordeal came tearing through the peace in my mind like an angry avalanche.

I decided that I was not ready to endure another “painful experience”. A dentist had to come to my rescue.

The dentist listened as I recounted my ordeal the previous night. I saw a smile break on his lips. I wondered how anyone would dare smile when a person told them of the problems they’d encountered. “This is a sadistic fellow,” I thought.

Minutes later, the dentist handed me “the thing” he’d extracted from my mouth. I held in my hand the tooth which had a very dark centre – where the hole was!

I almost laughed when I thought how that small thing had made me cry the night before. I felt the “cave” where the tooth had been with my tongue. It felt good to be rid of an enemy. I almost exulted at that very sobering thought.

Be the Change you so much Seek

Has it ever occurred to you that the change that you so much seek could and should first start with you? This simply means that for you to feel and experience the change you so much hanker after, you need to do something. There’s nothing for nothing.

In essence it boils down to creating the right atmosphere to attract that very “precious” change.

But the sad thing is that only few people are ready to accept the change to start with them. They believe that change will only come from the outside.

This kind of attitude is not one that is carried by people who change (and affect) their surroundings and situations. People who are “changers” know that for their situations and circumstances to change, they have to “change” first.

They have to change:
· How they look at things i.e. their perceptions have to change.
· How much attention they are willing to give to their situation.
· Whom they blame when they fail or when things do no go as they had planned. They have to be ready to “shoulder the blame” and see how best to solve the “problem”. They also try to work out means and ways of preventing the situation from recurring.
· How they receive everything that comes their way. They ask themselves, “What do I learn from this situation? How can I work it out to my advantage?”
· How they see people. They have to realize that people are the greatest resource ever “invented”.
· How they treat people. They have to realize that you cannot “bully” people into action and expect things to run smoothly. People love to be respected for who they are. People also perform excellently when they are assured that they are trusted.

These are just some few pointers that I have learnt in my daily experiences and association with my colleagues and friends. I hope that you find them eye openers. I believe that you people out there have so much more to add to this list. Please feel free to share your “eye openers” with us.

P.S. Here are some quotes on CHANGE that I came across recently :

· Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. – George Bernard Shaw

· Things do not change; we change. – Thoreau


· You cannot change people but you can channel them your way. – Hal Stabbins

· Everything changes continually. What is history indeed but a record of change? And if there had been no changes in the past, there would have been little of history to write. –M. Gandhi

· Progress is a nice word. But change is its motivator and change has its enemies. – Robert F. Kennedy

· The art of progress is to preserve order amid change and to preserve change amid order. – Alfred North Whitehead

· Change yourself if you wish to change the world. – The Mother

· Change is not made without inconvenience, even from worse to better. – Richard Hooker

Pre-Marital Sex - Is it acceptable or not?

Here we will discuss about an interesting and important topic too Pre-Marital Sex. You people first tell this, from the below options which one you choose,

1. Love with Sex,
2. Love without Sex,
3. Only Sex, No Love,
4. No Love, No Sex.

Now a days many youngsters are started to give a new definition to Love. If Love is present there without Sex means, then no one will accept that kind of Love. Do you feel bad about having Sex with your partner? If true Love is present there means, then why should we bother about the Sex and all.

You people share about it here....

Come let us fight against AIDS

Even though many precautionary things have been taken, so many propagandas have been going on, many news related information are coming through, no one is going to care about AIDS. It is going to affect the other person, then why should I care about it? Like this only many are thinking here in this Society. Many are telling that we all should join our hands together to protect our World from AIDS and so on. But how many are ready to do it, that is what the question here? My question is how many of you will accept the AIDS affected people as your friends and keep them with you under your shadows. Each and every one of you touch your heart and tell the answer. Why many people are not taking the advice in to their mind? They all know that if we have unsecured Sex, then it will lead to AIDS, But no one is co-operating and all likes to do that only, then what' s the use? What you all think about this?

Need Peace!!!!

When God comes to this World and sees every thing means, definitely he will feel bad bad about the situation that present here. Many are fighting with each others in name of wars, no co-operation among the countries, no one is ready to join the hands to improve and so on. If we do like this means then any thing can easily beat us, regardless of power and so on. There are so many problems that exist here, one of the main thing is Terrorism. But taking war on other countries is not the only solution for these kind of problems. Why should we fight with each other? What we don't have here? If we all co-operate with each other means , then no one can beat us.

Cheers

Upper Caste/Lower Caste - So what?

We already saw one post here in this blog about the racism. Here we will see a similar post related to that, Upper Caste/Lower Caste problems that exist in this society, These kind of problems are well known in countries like India, Pakistan and so on. Here people will start to discriminate each other based on the financial status, educational status etc., so this will result in discriminating them from the Society. God made us in this World, then why should we separate us based on these stupid things. If we feel like this means then we all should feel shame as a human being because of our activities. If we all have Sixth sense means, then what' s the reason for these kind of things to happen? Do you experienced it in your Society circle? What you think about this?

Do you bother about Society?

Many of us are having these questions in our mind. Whether we should live for the sake of us or for the society? Should I bother about the society? And so on many questions are there yet to get answer from us. While trying to get the answers for these kind of questions, many of us will get into Dilemma. The reason is if we start to think about the society means, then it is not possible to get the answer. My question is we are living for us and not for the sake of others, then why should we bother about others and this Society. This Society will always keep on pointing out some thing on us, regardless of whether it is really a mistake or not? Now you people share the thing here, will you bother about Society?

Gender Bias - Is it a Big Deal?

This is one of the big problem that we all face in most of the places, especially in our respective homes. No one is trying to get the real point inside it and they are doing the things that they like irrespective of country and so on.

A child's destiny can be determined by as simple a circumstance as whether his or her father contributed an X or Y chromosome. Pink or blue clothes. Guns or dolls. The provider and the homemaker. Female infanticide. The patriarchal system. The purdah system. The premium on virginity. Dashing bachelors and aging spinsters. What are they all about? They all revolve around the issue of gender bias. The fact is that people are treated differently depending on their gender.

Gender bias is so deeply ingrained in the system that the discrimination begins from the time a couple plans a baby. Today, science has advanced so far that it is possible to separate male and female sperm so as to predetermine the sex of a child. In some parts of the world the birth of a baby boy warrants a celebration whereas a baby girl may not be extended the same warm welcome. Despite the fact that India has crossed the billion mark in population, there will still be families with five daughters and the mother trying desperately to give birth to a son.

When we will get the solution for this problem?

Why we should differentiate the Male and Female?