How to minimize common relationship problems?

To minimize these common relationship problems:

• Be aware of your fears! It's okay to feel fear of intimacy; simply knowing that you're afraid of losing yourself and being engulfed by your relationship or family could prevent it from happening. When you know what you fear, you're in a better position to deal with it. Accepting that you have a common relationship problem will help you solve it.
• Express yourself appropriately. If you're afraid of being abandoned, try not to suffocate your loved ones with excessive attention or jealousy. Talk about your feelings, write them down – see a counselor if you're really struggling. Don't let your relationship problems – which are normal – dictate your behavior or wreck your relationship.
• Get educated. Do you have an extreme fear of intimacy or fear of abandonment? Find out how to successfully deal with change and how to be supportive when your loved ones want to change. Read books, seek support groups, or talk to a counselor about your relationship problems.

These common relationship problems take some work to overcome, but being aware and open to change will go a long way.

3 Common Relationship Problems - Part 3

Fear of Abandonment

Most of us don't want to be alone, and are dismayed at the thought of being rejected or abandoned. Even the healthiest people have some fear of abandonment. We know we could survive but life is better and easier with others (this is a primal instinct). We fear being left due to death, rejection, illness, physical or even emotional distance. This is a common relationship problem.

Becoming independent and emotionally healthy with your own life and goals is an ideal way to deal with this common relationship problem.

3 Common Relationship Problems - Part 2

Fear of Change

Sometimes our relationship fears make us afraid our partner will change; other times we fear he or she won't at all. Even good changes can be hard to deal with. When familiar habits and routines are changed, we feel a sense of unease because we have adjustments to make, new routines to create.

Talking honestly about changes is the best way to deal with this common relationship problem. Discussing relationship fears, hopes, motivations, and practical issues will make changes blend in with the daily routine in a much smoother way. Even fighting about your feelings is better than repressing or stuffing them down.

3 Common Relationship Problems - Part 1

Common relationship problems range from fear of intimacy to fear of rejection. Everyone struggles with fears of intimacy, change, and abandonment – but some people struggle more than others. Here's how to recognize and deal with three common relationship problems.

Fear of Intimacy

Even in childhood we fear being swallowed up by another person and losing our unique selves. We want to be independent with our own personalities, likes, dislikes, strengths, and even weaknesses. This is the first common relationship problem: fear of intimacy - which can involve engulfment.

Engulfment occurs when we lose who we are in our relationship: not only are our preferences lost – we may not even know what are preferences are anymore! People who have a fear of intimacy may be overly anxious about losing their selves, which makes them extremely guarded and hard to know. People with a fear of intimacy may fear being trapped or suffocated, which exacerbates their relationship fears.

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 5

Say "I'm sorry" if you act in a disrespectful or hurtful way toward your partner.

This one is short and sweet. You're not perfect

-- once in a while you may unintentionally (or intentionally) hurt your partner's feelings. You may say mean-spirited things in the heat of the moment that you immediately regret -- so swallow your pride, apologize and ask for forgiveness. By the same token, you should also expect an "I'm sorry" from your partner if your feelings were hurt by disrespectful behavior.

I know there's a chance that you had parents who abused each other and became overwhelmed by relationship problems, and I'll bet that they rarely said they were sorry for their actions. So be different -- become truly free in your relationship by admitting that you were wrong. Really value your partner, and don't let your relationship have an unhappy ending.

You're now armed with some very important negotiating and compromising skills to use in any disagreement; and by utilizing these techniques, you'll have much greater success in solving difficult relationship problems.

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 4

Set the right stage for discussion and negotiation of the problem.

There's a correct time and place to work on your problems. Let's deal with place first.

I can't tell you the exact room of your house that will work best for you, but a good rule of thumb is that it should be a location that's both quiet and comfortable

-- maybe it's your kitchen table or your den? It just shouldn't be in public or at a friend's home. Major discussions deserve to be held in a consistent, appropriate location. Forgetting to set the scene is a crucial blunder made by a lot of couples, so put some thought into this.

The right time for the negotiation is just as important as place. I believe that there are three important considerations in this area:

First, you must (and I can't stress the word must enough) point out a problem the very first time it arises. You'll have more leverage if you don't allow something to snowball into a pattern of behavior. Many people finally put their foot down when their partner has made a major mistake for about the 32nd time, but by then it's simply too late. The reality is this: The longer you allow your partner to get away with unacceptable behavior, the harder it will be to have any power to get them to stop. If you hold your tongue and just hope that your partner will change on their own, don't complain that you never get what you need.

Second, make sure that you have enough time available to thoroughly discuss the problem. Some of my patients will bring up an extremely important issue right before our time is up for the session and then get angry when I say that we have to stop. The same principle applies to your relationship: If you and your partner begin to argue just as you're leaving for work or getting ready to go out, then the discussion will be nonproductive. Alternately, if you put off the issue too long, you run the risk that the problem will never be solved. So set aside an appropriate length of time for a face-to-face meeting (notice that a phone conversation is generally not intimate enough).

Third, when you and your partner have been sitting there for hours still hammering away without a compromise, it may be time to call it quits for the time being and readdress the problem again later. When you both get tired and start to go 'round and 'round, it's acceptable to say, "How about if we agree to disagree for now and pick up our discussion later when we're both fresh?"

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 3

You'll have more success by focusing on one issue at a time.

It's nearly impossible to analyze more than one major issue at a time, which is why problem solving often fails miserably. Recently my wife and I started to discuss some money-management issues, and before we knew it, we ended the conversation by debating the amount of time we spend together. We caught our mistake and got back to the topic of money, but it did take some effort.

Make a commitment to actively focus on one thing at a time. I know it sounds difficult, but the payoff will be well worth the extra effort. Be aware, though, that your partner may try to derail the discussion by veering onto another topic if things start to get heated

-- it's a sneaky little tactic to shift the conversation when things aren't going so well. So every time you catch your partner avoiding the topic at hand, say, "Let's continue to deal with ___ now and get to ___ [the other issue] later."

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 2

The language you use toward your partner is critically important in determining the outcome of any problem.

Even though you may be right, you may not get your way if your method of communicating isn't effective. It will do you no good to put your partner on the defensive right away with accusatory language. When someone's being attacked, it's a natural defense mechanism for them to either fight back or retreat into a shell

-- in either case, the problem won't be rationally solved.

• Using the words always and never. Saying something like, "You never help out around here!" will stop any reasonable discussion dead in its tracks. It sounds like you're exaggerating, and your partner will invariably be challenged to fight back in their defense. They'll probably respond with something like, "That's not true! Remember that time two weeks ago that I helped clean up the house and took the kids to school?" It turns into a "he said, she said" debate, and the real issue gets lost in the translation.
  
  So catch yourself when you use words that imply absolutes. Using the above examples, it would be better to start off by saying, "I'd like to talk to you about your share of the workload," and "I'd really like it if you put me first -- sometimes I feel second to your friends, relatives and co-workers."
  
  
• Insults and name-calling. Some of us grew up believing that the more belligerent and loud we were, the more we'd command attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, this technique may intimidate and belittle your partner into compliance, but you'll also make them angry and resentful of your ways. They might not have the guts to tell you to your face, but they'll secretly feel that you're a jerk.
  
  Every time you or your partner call each other "stupid" or an "idiot" or an even nastier slur, a little bit of your relationship gets destroyed in the process. On top of that, your original problem will get lost in a barrage of obscenities, and nothing gets solved. So if you're being insulted, the right move is to say, as calmly as you can, "I can't continue to talk to you right now if you're going to use that language," and then offer to pick up the conversation later when your partner has calmed down. If they continue to aggressively come at you, then you need to question whether you'll be able to stay in a relationship with someone who's that emotionally and verbally abusive.
  
  
• Saying "or else!" A lot of people I know love to tack this little threat at the end of a command -- for example, "You better do things my way, or else!" Apparently they feel as if their need will get met more quickly if there's a hint of some consequence. But the real question should be: "Or else what?" What will you really do if your partner ignores your request? How will you retaliate? The problem with this choice of words is that very few people respond favorably to a threat and will actually do the opposite just to show that they won't be coerced into a specific action. Your bluff may be called, and then what will you be prepared to do? If you back down, then your threat is meaningless.
  
  Instead, think through your response very carefully and tell your partner, "Here's what I'm going to do if you don't respond to me." It's certainly okay to provide a consequence if your partner fails to correct a problem in the relationship, but that consequence needs to be well defined.
  
  So how can you ensure that you'll actually get heard? There are better ways to communicate your desires, as shown by the following few examples that can apply to any :
  
  
• "I'd like it if we could take some time today to talk about something that's really important to me."
  
  
• "I feel that this is a problem we can work on together."
  
  
• "This is really difficult for me to bring up, but I just want to tell you how I feel about..."
  
  
• "I just need you to listen and try to reserve judgment until I'm finished."
  
  
• "I'm just asking you to hear what I'm saying -- we don't have to fix the problem right this second."

Ways to Solve Any Relationship Problem - Part 1

Here are several things that must happen for a relationship issue to be resolved:

You and your partner should never keep a running tally of "wins" and "losses" in your negotiations.

Sadly this is one of the biggest mistakes that I see couples make. Believe me, most people won't admit this out loud, but they're keeping score internally, just waiting for the day they finally get to "win." When you hear your partner (or yourself) complain, "You always get your way. It's my turn now!" it's time to realize that score is being kept.

Why shouldn't you keep track of victories and losses so that over time things are evened up? It would only make sense to win an argument sometimes, and I'll grant you that your relationship should be an equal partnership. The problem with keeping score is that the win-loss record usually becomes the most important factor in resolving a dispute, rather than the need to figure out each issue on its own merit. A friend of mine once proudly told me that he'd gotten his way four times that week, compared to his wife getting her way only twice. He didn't care if he was right or wrong, just as long as he got in the last word and won the argument. Giving in for him meant that he was somehow "weak" and losing control. Although I thought he was completely insane (and I told him so), I tried to make him understand that this behavior would only serve to drive a wedge in his marriage and make his wife disgusted with his competitiveness.

Compromise is not a sign of personal weakness. It's really okay to let your partner come out on top sometimes. This can be an extremely hard thing to do, but challenge yourself to wipe the slate clean before you tackle a issue. If you're being hardheaded and are only interested in evening up the score, then you won't be able to see the problem clearly, and a very bad decision could be made that irreversibly harms your relationship.

Damn Toothache: My Experience

Long time ago, I used to think that crying was only for babies. At least it helped (and still does and will always do!) babies to get much needed attention. I used to think that crying was a very stupid way of attracting attention (please don’t ask me what I used to do when I was a baby).

But I have since learnt that crying is a very healthy way of releasing pent up emotion – at least it does deflate the almost-bursting bubble. I have learnt, too, that crying is also very healthy for adults. It has worked wonders for the women and men (yeah, men!) who have used it time and again to release and unfurl those knots in their hearts.

Well, recently I ‘found’ myself crying and it was not to release any pent-up emotion. Far from it.

A pain that emanated from deep within my mouth forced tears to freely course down the side of my face. It was such an excruciating pain and for once I thought I had been to hell and back. I tried to scream but checked myself just in time as a bolt of “murderous” pain shot from the base of my jaw up a molar and touched the side of my sour tongue with such a force that I reeled back.

I shook my head, hoping against hope that I would manage to shake off the assailant that was in my mouth. That made things even worse. Bolts of fork lightning threatened to fry my palate! As if that was not enough, claps of thunder in the form of groans announced in no uncertain terms that I was on the verge of insanity. Something inside my head told me that I was going through what lunatics have to contend with each passing day.

The ‘sweetest’ part of the whole set up is that all this was happening at night. And I was alone in my room. Just when I needed everyone in the world, there was no one in sight. Being at night, I could not decide to take a “forced” walk to make peace with “my stubborn assailant”. So I was left with little else to do than to walk from one corner of my room to the other.

As I paced the room, in an attempt to ‘persuade’ the pain in my mouth (a damn toothache) to stop harassing me, I felt like a famished toothless lion that had felled a mighty deer with one swipe of the paw. The lion could not feast on the prey – it was toothless! The pacing, accompanied by an occasional impromptu opening of the mouth to suck in air, was like literally chasing the wind.

Another very ‘sweet’ thing about that night was that I did not have any pain killer in my room. My world was crumbling before my very eyes. I increased the speed of my paces as the pain jumped from the lower jaw to the upper one and back. There is a time I jumped as I felt my teeth being pulled from their positions in the jaws.

In the madness that characterized that night, I can’t explain how I fell asleep, on the couch. I found myself waking up in the morning and tried to figure where I was as a shaft of sunlight hit my sleepy eyes. Seconds later, memories of the previous night’s ordeal came tearing through the peace in my mind like an angry avalanche.

I decided that I was not ready to endure another “painful experience”. A dentist had to come to my rescue.

The dentist listened as I recounted my ordeal the previous night. I saw a smile break on his lips. I wondered how anyone would dare smile when a person told them of the problems they’d encountered. “This is a sadistic fellow,” I thought.

Minutes later, the dentist handed me “the thing” he’d extracted from my mouth. I held in my hand the tooth which had a very dark centre – where the hole was!

I almost laughed when I thought how that small thing had made me cry the night before. I felt the “cave” where the tooth had been with my tongue. It felt good to be rid of an enemy. I almost exulted at that very sobering thought.